The pain still hasn't gone away... Exercise is suppose to help with mood... But how does one get the motivation to actually work out? If you were to see me randomly at the beach, you would never guess that this would be a guy who has a problem with motivating himself to work out.... Hell, even if you knew me.... Seeing that I'm in school to be a personal trainer.
I don't think it's the lack of motivation to work out... It's actually the lack of motivation to wanna "cover things up" with a runner's high or nice release of endorphins... That's basically what it would be doing... Just covering up the real pain... The real problem... I don't want to do that... Although, it would more than likely be one of the best things I can do right now without actually going crazy...
I've been in the heartache situation before, and I've learned that working out... Only makes things worse... You tend to go harder than you should... Longer... You literally rip your body apart...
not good.
I need to be in shape for an upcoming season... I'm in great shape now... So I know that if I go out for a workout, it's gonna end up being a Long Painful one...
I've had some time to talk to this girl... about tha situation... but we're always cut off... Because the guy shows up... and I'm left hangin... not knowin....where she stands... or anything of the sort.
We both agree on one thing though... It's not right. Not right at all, and something needs to happen to fix it.
Cold Turkey made things worse.
Pumpin the breaks is too painful for us both...
What kind of solution could there possibly be?
I watched the finale of the bachelor tonight... and it just pissed me off and made things twice as bad.
Here I was hoping it would be a clear-cut choice... Easy... But no. He says he wants them both... and then chooses the one that was the obvious "don't choose".
Thinking about it more and more, I think the main thing that draws us together is everyone telling us that we can't be. When we're around eachother, we don't really seem like we like eachother... that's how strange it is. Just the fact that we're able to be in the same area... Is good enough for us.
Strange.
I know.
It's driving me insane because I know that I don't want a relationship with anyone besides who I'm with... Is it possible to have a best friend who is not your girlfriend? I think that's what is actually happening. I've made up my mind... After all my tests tomorrow, I'm going to hit the roads for a nice run then hit tha weights... I'm not going alone though. That will indeed be trouble...
I guess the only thing I can do right now is cover up the pain.
Awesome...
More to come as it develops...
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Sunday, February 28, 2010
A Love Story... Kind of
I have quite the tale for you. The names will be changed to be sure to respect people's privacy. Mind you, this is a true story... Some of the central themes are Love, Lust, Deception, and Jealousy.
It's more of an intro to who I am... And why I'm the way I am today.
Dan is 23 years old and finishing up his last year of college. There is light at the end of the tunnel for him. He cannot wait to get his life started when he finishes.
He is almost a day's worth of driving away from the place he calls home. He has a girlfriend named Mel. They have been together for almost 2 years now. All of Dan's friends and family LOVE Mel. It seems as though everyday, someone asks him when he's going to pop the big question and give her a ring.
Now Dan loves Mel, but he has some issues with commitment. We'll take a trip into the past for a moment.
Dan lives out in the middle of nowhere. He doesn't have very many friends other than his brother and sister. He was brought up to be tough, and not take shit from anyone. He was taught to never fight unless absolutely necessary. When something made him upset, he was told to hold it in and that it would all go away. He was also brought up with the idea that "You can't get hurt if you don't let anyone in"
Growing up away from the city, it made it much harder to make friends for him once in school. He managed to make a few really good friends who would remain close throughout this journey known as life.
He was a quiet student all throughout school who kept to himself for the most part... Tried to be friends with everyone. Everyone deserved at least 2 chances before they could really be judged....
During recess, he would hang out with girls rather than guys because he found that guys are more likely to be an ass to someone they hardly know. Eventually, he got teased really bad for jump roping with the girls instead of playing sports with the guys. He tried not to let it bug him too much and just kept all his feelings inside.
He eventually gave up on hanging with the girls and tried to find something athletic that he could do. It was rough making friends this way, because if you weren't talented, no one would pick you for their team or wanna hang out with you. It was pretty harsh. Basketball was one of the things he was horrible at, and of course, that's what the majority of kids wanted to play, so he just had to deal with it. Admitting that he sucked a lot of the time, he kinda grew on some people, and made some friends.
Football was another story. Dan found out that he could throw far, hit hard, and run fast. He was always one of the first to be picked because no one wanted to be tackled by him.
*Dan was the smallest in his grade up until about his senior year, he just happened to be really strong for his size, and know where to hit em.
Once Middle School came around, all of his friends went out for basketball. Of course Dan had no desire to do this, so he just kinda went home everyday and hung out with the family. His friends grew closer to each other and eventually stopped hanging out with him... Dan spent a lot of time alone at this point... He didn't really want fake friends. (principle and parents were worried) He just wanted to be around a genuinely nice group. High school came along, and he started being alright with being a loner. For some reason, this "attitude" he had about him, made others want to get to know him better.
Eventually, Dan discovered how great it felt to "like" girls. He was so angry that he missed out on all these years of trying not to have any emotion towards anyone... He was legitimately mad at his parents for always telling him it was better not to let people in... He also realized how great it felt to let off some steam every once and awhile.There were a few times where he would just pick fights with people so he could feel the pain of being hit, or feel accomplished when he knocked someone down. He develops a bit of an anger problem just so he can constantly be able to feel something.
Dan is 14. He's too young to know what love really is, but he has definitely fallen for this girl. They've been hanging out/together for a few months. They tell each other how much they love the other... Things were going great for him and her. One day. Out of the blue, she tells Dan that she's moving across the country and that this would be the last time he had seen her for a long time. Obviously, Dan was just crushed. He really didn't know what to say or do. He didn't even really get to say goodbye. He was too upset to even mutter the words "I'll miss you" out to her. He never heard from her again... Left there alone, yet hoping that she would just show up at school one day.... Never did.
Dan is 16. His current girlfriend of about a year and him were at a friends house playing truth or dare. It is her turn, and she picks truth. Out of pure childish fun and to poke fun of his girlfriend at the time, he asks her "Am I your number 1 guy?"
She burst into tears. Dan and the others kinda laugh and are confused as to why. She stutters quietly back to him "no, you're actually number 3."
Obviously the laugher came to a halting end and things just got awkward for Dan. Apparently, everyone else in the room already knew this. She had been cheating/messing around on him the entire time. He didn't' have a clue. He really liked this girl too. His heart=broken. They break up and never speak again.
Dan feels as though he's just not meant to love or be loved.
He decides to give it one more shot... still 16, feeling as though he's on top of the world. He falls ''in love'' again with a younger girl who we will call April. Him and her were together for about 2 years when the problems started to happen.
He was leaving for college (only 90 minutes away) and she still had 2 years to finish up in high school. They decided that they felt too strongly for one another to have it just end because of a silly thing such as distance, so they gave it a try.
Jealousy sets in.
She starts hanging out with guys, Dan doesn't like this.
Dan starts hanging out with girls, April doesn't like this.
It's not like they were messing around or anything of the sort, they just didn't like the idea of the other having "friends of the opposite sex".
One night Dan gets a call and she is sobbing. To make the story go a little faster, she wanted to break up.
Dan loses it... He can't believe that she's doing this over the phone... and During his first finals of all times...
He just says whatever... Drives home so that they can talk about it. Things get patched up and all is good again for a few months. Right before summer break comes around, she starts acting strange whenever he is around or talking to her on the phone. He wonders what is up.
She leaves him and this time flat out tells him that there just wasn't enough passion in the relationship... (whatever that is suppose to mean to a 16 year old) He cries... Never knowing really what it felt like to cry... He is upset, but at the same time kind of happy because "it's better to have love and lost, than to have never loved at all"
Just the fact that the entire thing "happened" made him happy.... Heart-broken, Dan becomes obsessed with figuring out how to get her back.
Talking to her friends and people she was always with, Dan discovers that she had been trying to break it off since a week or so after the first time. (2-3 months or so ago) He's hurt even more,,, has no idea why. Comes to find... She had been messing around with one of his "good friends..."
Awesome he thinks... But he's determined to find out why... It had to have been just as real for her as it was for him... It just had to...>
Eventually, she agrees and they get back together.... She only messes around 1 time after that with that other guy, but Dan is to Lovestruck to do anything about it or care...
The next year of school comes around and he's gone again. She seems to finally love him back the way he always had...
Slowly but surely, the anger is building up in the back of Dan's mind... He knows what she did was horribly wrong. He knows that she doesn't respect him, and that the entire relationship just isn't right.
Dan is at school and is hanging out with some friends in the dorms and just having a good time... No one has any idea how it happened, but him and another girl kinda seemed to have a thing for each other. They did not want to admit it, seeing that the girl was on and off with a boyfriend at the time, and trying really hard to get him back, and Dan of course was still with April.
If there is one thing that I have learned through life up until this point, it has to be the fact that
"You cannot help who you fall for"
This had never happened before. All throughout his life, it was a pick and choose kind of game... If you hang out with anyone long enough, you will eventually start to like them... That doesn't necessarily make it "right"... I feel as though a lot of people get roped into long term relationships like this.... Of course you are going to like the person who you never get a break from... You learn to like them!
Back to the story.
He decides that it would only make sense to jump on the opportunity as soon as he can. So that he won't regret it later on... He calls of April, and breaks up with her... tells her flat out that he's fallen for someone else and that there just wasn't enough... "pizzaaa" anymore...
Him and this girl kinda do their thing and get really close... They fall for one another a little bit more as each day passes.
For some reason, there was a one week break, where the two of them both went to their respected homes....
As soon as they returned to school, she ignored him...
Didn't tell him why, couldn't look him in the eye... Just flat out ignored him.
Naturally, he didn't handle this very well and kinda cornered her eventually and got her to go somewhere to hang out so they could talk...
She wouldn't say anything to him... Just silence...
He then just assumed the worse.
"Did you go out and sleep with your ex boyfriend when you were home?"
He felt really bad/stupid after he kinda just blurted that out...
She didn't say a thing... Just busted out into tears.
He wanted to say something nice to comfort her...
But at the same time... Everything that had been bottled up for years were just pounding at the entrance to be let out.... He said the only thing that made sense at the time.
"It's okay, I'm use to this... I still want to be with you."
She just kept crying more and more after that... Wouldn't let him hug her or nothing... She just decided it was over.
Just like that.
Avoided him.
Wouldn't answer calls. Wouldn't answer messages. And she would make sure that he was not going to be anywhere that she was...
Just like that.
He would literally beg... just to hang out and see her... even if there was nothing between them...
Nothing.
Couldn't even be friends at that time apparently.
These were more than likely some of the most depressing days... Just broke up with his long time girlfriend April... (had added up to around 3+ years) and the girl he broke up with her for wants nothing to do with him...
He started to believe that it was Karma.... Or something of the sort. He tried to be nice to everyone... Just in shear terror that it would get back to him if he did something wrong...
Not much longer after this, he decided that he may have been happy being in a dead end relationship... So he called April back up... And they talked every night for awhile... But nothing official ever started...
Meanwhile, One of the other girls' friends had been growing closer and closer with Dan... And he kind of had a crush on this girl... (Mel) but she was in a very long term relationship... and he wanted nothing to do with messing anything up... Because it would just come back and hit him twice as hard.
Weeks go by.
Eventually, Dan gets offered a full-ride scholarship to go to this different school. The only problem is that he has no idea where it is, and it is 8-9 hours away from where he is already at..
If he did this... It meant starting over fresh... No one would know him... And the people who do, can forget about him easily... It sounded perfect to him...
He broke the news to Mel first, she was happy for him, but at the same time, sad to see one of her best guy friends go...
He broke it to April later that same night...
She just told him congrats. Hung up the phone, and never answered it again...
Naturally he was hurt still by this... But at the same time, had to keep his chin up and looking forward to what the future may bring.
He soon developed the attitude of "who needs those girls"...
He soon started to realize that all this misfortune with girls could have been good for the big picture... If he had better luck, he would have more than likely passed up that scholarship to stay close to them... (exactly what happened out of high school) *being close to home for the girl...
*People do funny things and blame love.
Anyone should be able to agree with that.
So the time had finally come, where he would leave the area... Without any regrets.
That he did... And he loved every part of it... Sure he missed some people, but that was easily forgotten when hanging around new and interesting people...
He nearly forgot what it was like to love and be hurt... He learned that to be happiest, he's better off just living for the time being, not worrying about anyone else, just enjoying the little things life had to offer.
He had some friends who were female... Nothing too serious ever really developed until this one girl came along... She had a strange effect on him, just like the girl from the other school did... He played cautiously though, making sure that he didn't get too attached. He was definitely not ready to be hurt again so soon.
She showed all the interest in him. "Kelly" we'll call her. She would call him every night, and stay on the phone for hours just talking about each other and all that great stuff... Then anytime she would go out partying, he would get a call and she'd want to come over...
He wasn't about to let that offer down, so she would come over quite a bit during the late hours of the night just trashed. (Dan does not drink at this point)
They keep doing their secret little thing, when Dan gets kind of curious and asks a friend what they know about her.
Apparently, she was the girlfriend of another guy who Dan was actually getting to be kind of close with. (as in they just broke up a week or so ago)
This kind of made him mad but laugh at the same time...
He wasn't attached enough to be hurt... He thought at least.
He asks her about that other relationship, and just as suspected, she's still obsessed with him.
Dan was the rebound guy... And doing a great job at it.
That's not what hurt him though...
It was the other guy getting back with her the second he found out that Dan was hanging out with her... The second that happened, she avoided him.
Wouldn't talk to him anymore, nothing.
Next thing ya know, he breaks her heart and Dan gets a call.
He's sick of people like this at this point, so he just tells her off, and hangs up.
Dan started blogging a lot about what was going on in his life... Because he didn't want to let anyone in... It was a given now... Anyone you let in, can and will rip what's left to your heart out...
He became a pretty big gamer and stayed in every single night... Occasionally, he would see people outside playing sports, so he would join them... *only if they were guys...
He developed a philosophy that seems to be either right on or pretty close to the real deal...
"People are naturally bad...They will be selfish, greedy, and stab you in the back any chance they get. It's just a natural thing,,, and some people have to grow up to the point where they can feel for other people rather than just themselves"
Just seems like he was alone on this one... well not completely alone. He just feels as though he figured it out way sooner than he should have.
All the while this was going on, Mel and him had been talking online and just sharing stories about how bad the opposite sex was.
Eventually, the talking turned into flirting, because Dan no longer really tried to meet new girls... So he would just stick to the one's he knew...
It started off harmless. Like most things do...
He got a call one day, and she was balling about something her boyfriend did again... He told him that she was going to break up with him...
He comforted her and did everything he should have...
It just so happened that the week after that, he had a break from school and was going back up to where she was to visit...
*wonderful right?
They kept talking a few nights and just doing the flirt thing pretty hardcore now. (seeing she was single, he could amp it up some without having to feel too bad about it)
It got to the point where it was basically decided that they would sleep together once he got there.
Now mind you, they have been friends for at least 2 years... Close friends... but they have never so much as even kissed.
Being the riled up raging college boy he was, he was excited to go do it... With her.
Not really thinking past that... Not really realizing what was happening...
Of course it happened... Of course he loved it... What happened next?
*well, we're almost out of the past*
They decided that they liked each other enough to try and go steady. Long distance... After all, she would be graduating soon and her parent's house is only 3 hours or so away from where Dan goes to school. It seemed like a great plan... They fall in love... They literally can't do anything without thinking about the other...
Yes he worried at first that it might be a temp/rebound thing... but it was too good to be thinking like that...
The feelings would have sounded like a soft/higher pitched "la la la".
There was really nothing else either of us could want... And they did the distance thing for a good 9 months... Stayed strong...
Then at about the 1 year mark... maybe a little later, she moves all the way down to the town where he lives.
Great right? Now they can be together all the time!
There were some amazingly awesome times... Yet, it just seemed strange to him... He loved it, but at the same time... he was worried something had to happen. It just seems like whenever something is at the top, it has to spiral back down... So he was worried to death all about what it was gonna be...
It happened all right.
This time is different though. It's not cheating, it's not anything like that...
The pressures of going beyond where they are at now, feel like they weigh a couple thousand pounds on his back...
Sure, he wants to have a family, and own place... Eventually.
But.
There is some heavy pressuring going on.
She gets upset anytime he does not want to talk about it. He still has a year or two left in college and keeps telling her that he would like to wait and talk about it when it's closer to the actual time. She gets upset... almost mad about it.
His mother and sister are constantly asking him... When you going to give her a ring?
All of his friends want to know this too.
What happened to just being innocently in love? Why does there have to be all this other stuff people have to worry about? That will come... Just in good time...
Yes, he may be afraid of the big step... But that doesn't mean it's a no.
When he explains this to her, she gets mad because she wants to know if "she is just wasting her time" with him...
What is that suppose to mean? is there a certain age when you are suppose to do all this stuff?
I don't know...
So the subject is avoided whenever it is brought up... The two seem like they are still in love with one another, but just seems as though if one wrong thing is said, there will be a war.
Is it suppose to be like this? Is it suppose to feel like a battlefield?
Because I remember a time where it was innocent and fun... Not intimidating and dangerous...
So that's where the 2 are at right now...
Now for the horrible part we all like to hear about but hate when it actually happens...
Mel has a certain guy friend who has a crush on her.
Dan has a certain girl friend who might have a thing for him.
Mel and Dan both told the other how jealous they get and that it's not good for their relationship.
Dan stops talking to this girl when Mel is around.
Mel says she would, but doesn't seem to be able to.
The two are alone in bed one night, and the subject comes up.
She breaks down into tears...
This is familiar to him... He can't help but be an ass and say the wrong thing.
"Am I number 1?" he asks her.
"Yes, you are number 1, but I don't know if I want that anymore" -m
"Do you have a crush on this guy?" -d
"I don't know what it is, I don't' WANT to like anybody but you." -m
"Anything I can do to change this?" -d
"I don't know...I just don't know what to think right now" -m
In tears, she lies there in his arms... Neither of them know what to say or do...
The next thing he says to her is something he regrets every single night.
"I just want you to know that I love you, and that I do want to give you a ring... It's just too soon right now..."
He said it... He knew that was exactly what she wanted to hear...
But did he mean it?
-----------------------------------------------------------
*side note
in my eyes, marriage is a very serious thing... you get one shot at it... divorce is not an option... and there are sooo many people who rush into things like that these days, just to make a mockery of it later on.... I don't want to be a statistic. I want to be sure.
------------------------------------------------------------
She obviously love what she heard and gave him a big hug... End of the night.
Him on the other hand.... Could not sleep that night.
What had he just done? He basically bribed a girl into staying with him by offering her something that he wasn't ready to give out...
Great Job Genius. Way to dig yourself deeper.
Weeks pass, and their relationship seems to be going the same as it was before the talk...
There are mines all over, and certain things that will ignite them...
Meanwhile, the texting/talking to the girl for him... and the guy for her...
Jumps up drastically.
Even when around each other, they are texting their 'friend' and having a discussion about something random...
Of course they both get jealous, but when one says something about it... There goes that minefield. "O I can't have guy/girl friends?!"
I can only speak from Dan's point of view...
Something is going on that he knows is wrong...
And a lot of people know about it who shouldn't...
Dan gets threatening e-mails almost every other week from the girl's boyfriend telling him to leave her alone... and how uncool it is that we talk so often...
Yeah, did I mention that she is in a relationship?
The guy that Mel talks to is single and trying to get her...
So of course, not being able to talk to each other about the problem, they complain to their new found "buddies" about how sucky things are...
This is kind of ironic, because before, when Dan and Mel were in separate relationships... They would be the people they'd talk to....
So looking from above, it seems as though the 2 who were best friends at a time, fell for one another, and now have different best friends to whom they talk to to...
Tell me this is going to be a textbook ending.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As of recently, Dan finds out that this guy she talks to, is always saying how "he wishes she were single"...
He is very angry and upset about it... But just keeps it in... Just like when he was younger...
The girl that he talks to... Admits that she has a thing for Dan...
Now that should be a red-flag... He should get away as soon as possible...
But... He doesn't.
For some strange reason, it makes him smile that she likes him...
He comes to the realization that it has been a long long time since anyone showed that kind of interest in him. It felt good to be wanted. This was definitely something that was missing from his and mel's relationship... He just doesn't feel wanted anymore... It's like he's been replaced by this "other guy"... He knows that she would never cheat... physically. Neither would he....
But if there is anything about love that I've learned throughout my journey... (again)
It's that
"You cannot help who you fall for"
It just happens... and whenever Dan thinks about that, it almost seems as though he kind of has a thing for the girl as well...
Not that he no longer likes/loves Mel, it's just a different kind of feeling.
Once he realized this... He freaked out, and told the girl that he couldn't talk to her any longer... Because he was starting to like her too much in the wrong kind of way....
It ruined her.
She was upset all day... And wouldn't smile for anything...
He tried not to crack and write her back, but he did... he felt way to guilty about just ignoring her... During the time he vouched to himself not to talk to her, he felt empty inside... Like he just ripped his own heart out...
It felt just as bad as a break-up... Which is strange, because they were really nothing more than just friends...
This helped him realize that it's a for sure "fallen" for her kind of thing... And that means trouble... Horrible Horrible Trouble.
He takes a few steps back... looks at the situation... and figures that the feelings will just go away... If mel had the same thing, and she got over it, so could he...
But did she get over it?
----
So Dan decides to play around with the situation a little bit to try and fix things so that everyone remains happy.
He works out a deal with the girl that he will not talk/text her when her boyfriend is around because of his jealousy... And the same when he(dan) is with mel...
That plan sucked.
All that happened was she got jealous of mel, and dan got jealous of her boyfriend.
It was fine before, because we didn't know when they were with the other person.... But knowing just kinda adds salt to the wounds that they aren't the 2 who are together......
By this point, everyone knows that there are feelings out there... And the girls end up hating each other (never even meeting) and the guys end up hating each other...
Great... What a mess.
When stepping back even further from the situation,
Dan realizes that it might just be a little crush and that LOVE will always win...
He tries to fight the urges to talk to the other girl so often, but he gets depressed whenever he doesn't get to talk to her...
He admits all this to her... And to his surprise, she is in the same exact situation...
He doesn't want out of his relationship and neither does she...
And they are both above being cheaters...
It feels as though we are being punished for these thoughts... The ropes of jealousy and hate for the other person just keep getting tighter and tighter.
I didn't wanna fall for her... it just happened... she didn't want to fall for me... It just happened... Now we are deep in some quicksand looking for the best way out.
2 people... Innocently falling for one another... A world keeping them apart. Sounds like my version of romeo and juliet.... But I assure you, there will not be any suicides.... And I will find the ending where everyone ends up happy. . .
It's more of an intro to who I am... And why I'm the way I am today.
Dan is 23 years old and finishing up his last year of college. There is light at the end of the tunnel for him. He cannot wait to get his life started when he finishes.
He is almost a day's worth of driving away from the place he calls home. He has a girlfriend named Mel. They have been together for almost 2 years now. All of Dan's friends and family LOVE Mel. It seems as though everyday, someone asks him when he's going to pop the big question and give her a ring.
Now Dan loves Mel, but he has some issues with commitment. We'll take a trip into the past for a moment.
Dan lives out in the middle of nowhere. He doesn't have very many friends other than his brother and sister. He was brought up to be tough, and not take shit from anyone. He was taught to never fight unless absolutely necessary. When something made him upset, he was told to hold it in and that it would all go away. He was also brought up with the idea that "You can't get hurt if you don't let anyone in"
Growing up away from the city, it made it much harder to make friends for him once in school. He managed to make a few really good friends who would remain close throughout this journey known as life.
He was a quiet student all throughout school who kept to himself for the most part... Tried to be friends with everyone. Everyone deserved at least 2 chances before they could really be judged....
During recess, he would hang out with girls rather than guys because he found that guys are more likely to be an ass to someone they hardly know. Eventually, he got teased really bad for jump roping with the girls instead of playing sports with the guys. He tried not to let it bug him too much and just kept all his feelings inside.
He eventually gave up on hanging with the girls and tried to find something athletic that he could do. It was rough making friends this way, because if you weren't talented, no one would pick you for their team or wanna hang out with you. It was pretty harsh. Basketball was one of the things he was horrible at, and of course, that's what the majority of kids wanted to play, so he just had to deal with it. Admitting that he sucked a lot of the time, he kinda grew on some people, and made some friends.
Football was another story. Dan found out that he could throw far, hit hard, and run fast. He was always one of the first to be picked because no one wanted to be tackled by him.
*Dan was the smallest in his grade up until about his senior year, he just happened to be really strong for his size, and know where to hit em.
Once Middle School came around, all of his friends went out for basketball. Of course Dan had no desire to do this, so he just kinda went home everyday and hung out with the family. His friends grew closer to each other and eventually stopped hanging out with him... Dan spent a lot of time alone at this point... He didn't really want fake friends. (principle and parents were worried) He just wanted to be around a genuinely nice group. High school came along, and he started being alright with being a loner. For some reason, this "attitude" he had about him, made others want to get to know him better.
Eventually, Dan discovered how great it felt to "like" girls. He was so angry that he missed out on all these years of trying not to have any emotion towards anyone... He was legitimately mad at his parents for always telling him it was better not to let people in... He also realized how great it felt to let off some steam every once and awhile.There were a few times where he would just pick fights with people so he could feel the pain of being hit, or feel accomplished when he knocked someone down. He develops a bit of an anger problem just so he can constantly be able to feel something.
Dan is 14. He's too young to know what love really is, but he has definitely fallen for this girl. They've been hanging out/together for a few months. They tell each other how much they love the other... Things were going great for him and her. One day. Out of the blue, she tells Dan that she's moving across the country and that this would be the last time he had seen her for a long time. Obviously, Dan was just crushed. He really didn't know what to say or do. He didn't even really get to say goodbye. He was too upset to even mutter the words "I'll miss you" out to her. He never heard from her again... Left there alone, yet hoping that she would just show up at school one day.... Never did.
Dan is 16. His current girlfriend of about a year and him were at a friends house playing truth or dare. It is her turn, and she picks truth. Out of pure childish fun and to poke fun of his girlfriend at the time, he asks her "Am I your number 1 guy?"
She burst into tears. Dan and the others kinda laugh and are confused as to why. She stutters quietly back to him "no, you're actually number 3."
Obviously the laugher came to a halting end and things just got awkward for Dan. Apparently, everyone else in the room already knew this. She had been cheating/messing around on him the entire time. He didn't' have a clue. He really liked this girl too. His heart=broken. They break up and never speak again.
Dan feels as though he's just not meant to love or be loved.
He decides to give it one more shot... still 16, feeling as though he's on top of the world. He falls ''in love'' again with a younger girl who we will call April. Him and her were together for about 2 years when the problems started to happen.
He was leaving for college (only 90 minutes away) and she still had 2 years to finish up in high school. They decided that they felt too strongly for one another to have it just end because of a silly thing such as distance, so they gave it a try.
Jealousy sets in.
She starts hanging out with guys, Dan doesn't like this.
Dan starts hanging out with girls, April doesn't like this.
It's not like they were messing around or anything of the sort, they just didn't like the idea of the other having "friends of the opposite sex".
One night Dan gets a call and she is sobbing. To make the story go a little faster, she wanted to break up.
Dan loses it... He can't believe that she's doing this over the phone... and During his first finals of all times...
He just says whatever... Drives home so that they can talk about it. Things get patched up and all is good again for a few months. Right before summer break comes around, she starts acting strange whenever he is around or talking to her on the phone. He wonders what is up.
She leaves him and this time flat out tells him that there just wasn't enough passion in the relationship... (whatever that is suppose to mean to a 16 year old) He cries... Never knowing really what it felt like to cry... He is upset, but at the same time kind of happy because "it's better to have love and lost, than to have never loved at all"
Just the fact that the entire thing "happened" made him happy.... Heart-broken, Dan becomes obsessed with figuring out how to get her back.
Talking to her friends and people she was always with, Dan discovers that she had been trying to break it off since a week or so after the first time. (2-3 months or so ago) He's hurt even more,,, has no idea why. Comes to find... She had been messing around with one of his "good friends..."
Awesome he thinks... But he's determined to find out why... It had to have been just as real for her as it was for him... It just had to...>
Eventually, she agrees and they get back together.... She only messes around 1 time after that with that other guy, but Dan is to Lovestruck to do anything about it or care...
The next year of school comes around and he's gone again. She seems to finally love him back the way he always had...
Slowly but surely, the anger is building up in the back of Dan's mind... He knows what she did was horribly wrong. He knows that she doesn't respect him, and that the entire relationship just isn't right.
Dan is at school and is hanging out with some friends in the dorms and just having a good time... No one has any idea how it happened, but him and another girl kinda seemed to have a thing for each other. They did not want to admit it, seeing that the girl was on and off with a boyfriend at the time, and trying really hard to get him back, and Dan of course was still with April.
If there is one thing that I have learned through life up until this point, it has to be the fact that
"You cannot help who you fall for"
This had never happened before. All throughout his life, it was a pick and choose kind of game... If you hang out with anyone long enough, you will eventually start to like them... That doesn't necessarily make it "right"... I feel as though a lot of people get roped into long term relationships like this.... Of course you are going to like the person who you never get a break from... You learn to like them!
Back to the story.
He decides that it would only make sense to jump on the opportunity as soon as he can. So that he won't regret it later on... He calls of April, and breaks up with her... tells her flat out that he's fallen for someone else and that there just wasn't enough... "pizzaaa" anymore...
Him and this girl kinda do their thing and get really close... They fall for one another a little bit more as each day passes.
For some reason, there was a one week break, where the two of them both went to their respected homes....
As soon as they returned to school, she ignored him...
Didn't tell him why, couldn't look him in the eye... Just flat out ignored him.
Naturally, he didn't handle this very well and kinda cornered her eventually and got her to go somewhere to hang out so they could talk...
She wouldn't say anything to him... Just silence...
He then just assumed the worse.
"Did you go out and sleep with your ex boyfriend when you were home?"
He felt really bad/stupid after he kinda just blurted that out...
She didn't say a thing... Just busted out into tears.
He wanted to say something nice to comfort her...
But at the same time... Everything that had been bottled up for years were just pounding at the entrance to be let out.... He said the only thing that made sense at the time.
"It's okay, I'm use to this... I still want to be with you."
She just kept crying more and more after that... Wouldn't let him hug her or nothing... She just decided it was over.
Just like that.
Avoided him.
Wouldn't answer calls. Wouldn't answer messages. And she would make sure that he was not going to be anywhere that she was...
Just like that.
He would literally beg... just to hang out and see her... even if there was nothing between them...
Nothing.
Couldn't even be friends at that time apparently.
These were more than likely some of the most depressing days... Just broke up with his long time girlfriend April... (had added up to around 3+ years) and the girl he broke up with her for wants nothing to do with him...
He started to believe that it was Karma.... Or something of the sort. He tried to be nice to everyone... Just in shear terror that it would get back to him if he did something wrong...
Not much longer after this, he decided that he may have been happy being in a dead end relationship... So he called April back up... And they talked every night for awhile... But nothing official ever started...
Meanwhile, One of the other girls' friends had been growing closer and closer with Dan... And he kind of had a crush on this girl... (Mel) but she was in a very long term relationship... and he wanted nothing to do with messing anything up... Because it would just come back and hit him twice as hard.
Weeks go by.
Eventually, Dan gets offered a full-ride scholarship to go to this different school. The only problem is that he has no idea where it is, and it is 8-9 hours away from where he is already at..
If he did this... It meant starting over fresh... No one would know him... And the people who do, can forget about him easily... It sounded perfect to him...
He broke the news to Mel first, she was happy for him, but at the same time, sad to see one of her best guy friends go...
He broke it to April later that same night...
She just told him congrats. Hung up the phone, and never answered it again...
Naturally he was hurt still by this... But at the same time, had to keep his chin up and looking forward to what the future may bring.
He soon developed the attitude of "who needs those girls"...
He soon started to realize that all this misfortune with girls could have been good for the big picture... If he had better luck, he would have more than likely passed up that scholarship to stay close to them... (exactly what happened out of high school) *being close to home for the girl...
*People do funny things and blame love.
Anyone should be able to agree with that.
So the time had finally come, where he would leave the area... Without any regrets.
That he did... And he loved every part of it... Sure he missed some people, but that was easily forgotten when hanging around new and interesting people...
He nearly forgot what it was like to love and be hurt... He learned that to be happiest, he's better off just living for the time being, not worrying about anyone else, just enjoying the little things life had to offer.
He had some friends who were female... Nothing too serious ever really developed until this one girl came along... She had a strange effect on him, just like the girl from the other school did... He played cautiously though, making sure that he didn't get too attached. He was definitely not ready to be hurt again so soon.
She showed all the interest in him. "Kelly" we'll call her. She would call him every night, and stay on the phone for hours just talking about each other and all that great stuff... Then anytime she would go out partying, he would get a call and she'd want to come over...
He wasn't about to let that offer down, so she would come over quite a bit during the late hours of the night just trashed. (Dan does not drink at this point)
They keep doing their secret little thing, when Dan gets kind of curious and asks a friend what they know about her.
Apparently, she was the girlfriend of another guy who Dan was actually getting to be kind of close with. (as in they just broke up a week or so ago)
This kind of made him mad but laugh at the same time...
He wasn't attached enough to be hurt... He thought at least.
He asks her about that other relationship, and just as suspected, she's still obsessed with him.
Dan was the rebound guy... And doing a great job at it.
That's not what hurt him though...
It was the other guy getting back with her the second he found out that Dan was hanging out with her... The second that happened, she avoided him.
Wouldn't talk to him anymore, nothing.
Next thing ya know, he breaks her heart and Dan gets a call.
He's sick of people like this at this point, so he just tells her off, and hangs up.
Dan started blogging a lot about what was going on in his life... Because he didn't want to let anyone in... It was a given now... Anyone you let in, can and will rip what's left to your heart out...
He became a pretty big gamer and stayed in every single night... Occasionally, he would see people outside playing sports, so he would join them... *only if they were guys...
He developed a philosophy that seems to be either right on or pretty close to the real deal...
"People are naturally bad...They will be selfish, greedy, and stab you in the back any chance they get. It's just a natural thing,,, and some people have to grow up to the point where they can feel for other people rather than just themselves"
Just seems like he was alone on this one... well not completely alone. He just feels as though he figured it out way sooner than he should have.
All the while this was going on, Mel and him had been talking online and just sharing stories about how bad the opposite sex was.
Eventually, the talking turned into flirting, because Dan no longer really tried to meet new girls... So he would just stick to the one's he knew...
It started off harmless. Like most things do...
He got a call one day, and she was balling about something her boyfriend did again... He told him that she was going to break up with him...
He comforted her and did everything he should have...
It just so happened that the week after that, he had a break from school and was going back up to where she was to visit...
*wonderful right?
They kept talking a few nights and just doing the flirt thing pretty hardcore now. (seeing she was single, he could amp it up some without having to feel too bad about it)
It got to the point where it was basically decided that they would sleep together once he got there.
Now mind you, they have been friends for at least 2 years... Close friends... but they have never so much as even kissed.
Being the riled up raging college boy he was, he was excited to go do it... With her.
Not really thinking past that... Not really realizing what was happening...
Of course it happened... Of course he loved it... What happened next?
*well, we're almost out of the past*
They decided that they liked each other enough to try and go steady. Long distance... After all, she would be graduating soon and her parent's house is only 3 hours or so away from where Dan goes to school. It seemed like a great plan... They fall in love... They literally can't do anything without thinking about the other...
Yes he worried at first that it might be a temp/rebound thing... but it was too good to be thinking like that...
The feelings would have sounded like a soft/higher pitched "la la la".
There was really nothing else either of us could want... And they did the distance thing for a good 9 months... Stayed strong...
Then at about the 1 year mark... maybe a little later, she moves all the way down to the town where he lives.
Great right? Now they can be together all the time!
There were some amazingly awesome times... Yet, it just seemed strange to him... He loved it, but at the same time... he was worried something had to happen. It just seems like whenever something is at the top, it has to spiral back down... So he was worried to death all about what it was gonna be...
It happened all right.
This time is different though. It's not cheating, it's not anything like that...
The pressures of going beyond where they are at now, feel like they weigh a couple thousand pounds on his back...
Sure, he wants to have a family, and own place... Eventually.
But.
There is some heavy pressuring going on.
She gets upset anytime he does not want to talk about it. He still has a year or two left in college and keeps telling her that he would like to wait and talk about it when it's closer to the actual time. She gets upset... almost mad about it.
His mother and sister are constantly asking him... When you going to give her a ring?
All of his friends want to know this too.
What happened to just being innocently in love? Why does there have to be all this other stuff people have to worry about? That will come... Just in good time...
Yes, he may be afraid of the big step... But that doesn't mean it's a no.
When he explains this to her, she gets mad because she wants to know if "she is just wasting her time" with him...
What is that suppose to mean? is there a certain age when you are suppose to do all this stuff?
I don't know...
So the subject is avoided whenever it is brought up... The two seem like they are still in love with one another, but just seems as though if one wrong thing is said, there will be a war.
Is it suppose to be like this? Is it suppose to feel like a battlefield?
Because I remember a time where it was innocent and fun... Not intimidating and dangerous...
So that's where the 2 are at right now...
Now for the horrible part we all like to hear about but hate when it actually happens...
Mel has a certain guy friend who has a crush on her.
Dan has a certain girl friend who might have a thing for him.
Mel and Dan both told the other how jealous they get and that it's not good for their relationship.
Dan stops talking to this girl when Mel is around.
Mel says she would, but doesn't seem to be able to.
The two are alone in bed one night, and the subject comes up.
She breaks down into tears...
This is familiar to him... He can't help but be an ass and say the wrong thing.
"Am I number 1?" he asks her.
"Yes, you are number 1, but I don't know if I want that anymore" -m
"Do you have a crush on this guy?" -d
"I don't know what it is, I don't' WANT to like anybody but you." -m
"Anything I can do to change this?" -d
"I don't know...I just don't know what to think right now" -m
In tears, she lies there in his arms... Neither of them know what to say or do...
The next thing he says to her is something he regrets every single night.
"I just want you to know that I love you, and that I do want to give you a ring... It's just too soon right now..."
He said it... He knew that was exactly what she wanted to hear...
But did he mean it?
-----------------------------------------------------------
*side note
in my eyes, marriage is a very serious thing... you get one shot at it... divorce is not an option... and there are sooo many people who rush into things like that these days, just to make a mockery of it later on.... I don't want to be a statistic. I want to be sure.
------------------------------------------------------------
She obviously love what she heard and gave him a big hug... End of the night.
Him on the other hand.... Could not sleep that night.
What had he just done? He basically bribed a girl into staying with him by offering her something that he wasn't ready to give out...
Great Job Genius. Way to dig yourself deeper.
Weeks pass, and their relationship seems to be going the same as it was before the talk...
There are mines all over, and certain things that will ignite them...
Meanwhile, the texting/talking to the girl for him... and the guy for her...
Jumps up drastically.
Even when around each other, they are texting their 'friend' and having a discussion about something random...
Of course they both get jealous, but when one says something about it... There goes that minefield. "O I can't have guy/girl friends?!"
I can only speak from Dan's point of view...
Something is going on that he knows is wrong...
And a lot of people know about it who shouldn't...
Dan gets threatening e-mails almost every other week from the girl's boyfriend telling him to leave her alone... and how uncool it is that we talk so often...
Yeah, did I mention that she is in a relationship?
The guy that Mel talks to is single and trying to get her...
So of course, not being able to talk to each other about the problem, they complain to their new found "buddies" about how sucky things are...
This is kind of ironic, because before, when Dan and Mel were in separate relationships... They would be the people they'd talk to....
So looking from above, it seems as though the 2 who were best friends at a time, fell for one another, and now have different best friends to whom they talk to to...
Tell me this is going to be a textbook ending.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As of recently, Dan finds out that this guy she talks to, is always saying how "he wishes she were single"...
He is very angry and upset about it... But just keeps it in... Just like when he was younger...
The girl that he talks to... Admits that she has a thing for Dan...
Now that should be a red-flag... He should get away as soon as possible...
But... He doesn't.
For some strange reason, it makes him smile that she likes him...
He comes to the realization that it has been a long long time since anyone showed that kind of interest in him. It felt good to be wanted. This was definitely something that was missing from his and mel's relationship... He just doesn't feel wanted anymore... It's like he's been replaced by this "other guy"... He knows that she would never cheat... physically. Neither would he....
But if there is anything about love that I've learned throughout my journey... (again)
It's that
"You cannot help who you fall for"
It just happens... and whenever Dan thinks about that, it almost seems as though he kind of has a thing for the girl as well...
Not that he no longer likes/loves Mel, it's just a different kind of feeling.
Once he realized this... He freaked out, and told the girl that he couldn't talk to her any longer... Because he was starting to like her too much in the wrong kind of way....
It ruined her.
She was upset all day... And wouldn't smile for anything...
He tried not to crack and write her back, but he did... he felt way to guilty about just ignoring her... During the time he vouched to himself not to talk to her, he felt empty inside... Like he just ripped his own heart out...
It felt just as bad as a break-up... Which is strange, because they were really nothing more than just friends...
This helped him realize that it's a for sure "fallen" for her kind of thing... And that means trouble... Horrible Horrible Trouble.
He takes a few steps back... looks at the situation... and figures that the feelings will just go away... If mel had the same thing, and she got over it, so could he...
But did she get over it?
----
So Dan decides to play around with the situation a little bit to try and fix things so that everyone remains happy.
He works out a deal with the girl that he will not talk/text her when her boyfriend is around because of his jealousy... And the same when he(dan) is with mel...
That plan sucked.
All that happened was she got jealous of mel, and dan got jealous of her boyfriend.
It was fine before, because we didn't know when they were with the other person.... But knowing just kinda adds salt to the wounds that they aren't the 2 who are together......
By this point, everyone knows that there are feelings out there... And the girls end up hating each other (never even meeting) and the guys end up hating each other...
Great... What a mess.
When stepping back even further from the situation,
Dan realizes that it might just be a little crush and that LOVE will always win...
He tries to fight the urges to talk to the other girl so often, but he gets depressed whenever he doesn't get to talk to her...
He admits all this to her... And to his surprise, she is in the same exact situation...
He doesn't want out of his relationship and neither does she...
And they are both above being cheaters...
It feels as though we are being punished for these thoughts... The ropes of jealousy and hate for the other person just keep getting tighter and tighter.
I didn't wanna fall for her... it just happened... she didn't want to fall for me... It just happened... Now we are deep in some quicksand looking for the best way out.
2 people... Innocently falling for one another... A world keeping them apart. Sounds like my version of romeo and juliet.... But I assure you, there will not be any suicides.... And I will find the ending where everyone ends up happy. . .
Like a battlefield?
When i hear the lyrics to the song Battlefield, I just get lost in thought.
"One word turns into a war. Why is it the smallest things that tear us down?"
It's true...
When your in love, and you will definitely know when u are, the littlest thing seems to set the other off... I can't explain why, it just happens.
"I never meant to start a war, You know I never wanna hurt you, Don't even know what we're fighting for."
Just listen.
Close your eyes and enjoy the song...
It's good.
"One word turns into a war. Why is it the smallest things that tear us down?"
It's true...
When your in love, and you will definitely know when u are, the littlest thing seems to set the other off... I can't explain why, it just happens.
"I never meant to start a war, You know I never wanna hurt you, Don't even know what we're fighting for."
Just listen.
Close your eyes and enjoy the song...
It's good.
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